Miss Mystic: A Parody
by TheElejahDiaries
Summary: Rebekah, Elena,Caroline, and Bonnie are just four teenage girls hoping to win their town's beauty pageant. The three judges they must impress are ruthless, fearsome, and downright gorgeous. Who will come out on top and who will crash and burn? Total crack!fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Rebekah, Elena,Caroline, and Bonnie are just four teenage girls hoping to win their town's beauty pageant. The three judges they must impress are ruthless, fearsome, and downright gorgeous. Who will come out on top and who will crash and burn?

**Rating: **M for language and sexy times

**Starring:**

Rebekah – a murderous Miss Mystic hopeful with a thirst for vengeance.

Caroline – a girl who will do whatever it takes to win the pageant – including seduce a judge.

Elena – a contestant who likes to play the victim, but knows how to dish it out just as well.

Bonnie – a fiery competitor who will lie, steal, and cheat to get what she wants most.

Klaus – the deliciously sassy judge that knows how to charm a rock. Caesar Flickerman/RuPaul version 2.0.

Damon – a ruthless judge most easily compared to the likes of Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan.

Stefan – the inevitable Steven Tyler/Paula Abdul counterpart. The judge that hasn't got a clue what he's talking about – or judging – and is just in it for the eye candy.

**A/N: I wrote this ages ago and I would just like to apologize in advance.**

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 1: The Pre-Show<em>

"You bitch!" screamed Rebekah when she spied Caroline's dress for the evening gown portion of the pageant. "You saw me buy the same dress a week ago!"

Caroline pouted mockingly, pulling the emerald green, mermaid-cut, one-shouldered dress from her garment bag. "Poor thing. Too bad Forbes is announced before Mikaelson."

"I'll kill you!"

"You're using my curling iron, Bonnie!" Elena accused, just having torn apart her vanity looking for it.

"Oh, honey, a curling iron ain't gonna help that rats' nest," Bonnie replied saucily.

"Bonnie!"

"All's fair in love and war, 'Lena."

All four girls were about to rip each others' throats out when the three judges walked in. They ceased their arguing and sat in their seats and their own vanities, looking like perfect angels.

"Ladies!" called everyone's sweetheart judge, Klaus. He was difficult not to notice, dressed in a bright blue suit. He smiled brightly at the contestants. "You're all looking fabu!" He moved in toward each girl for a closer inspection. Rebekah was first. "Oh, dear," he cringed. "Shiny!" Rebekah looked horrified and barely resisted the urge to shove her entire face in the powder. Next was Caroline. "Either pop it or pray that someone invents a miracle coverup in the next hour, because there's a scale model of Mount Vesuvius on your face." Caroline was torn between indignation and utter terror at the prospect of a pimple. Klaus moved on to Elena. He gave her a devilish smirk, which faded to horror when he was close enough. "Tweezers. Has no one taught you how to use them? Your eyebrows would frighten Sasquatch." Elena gasped and immediately began plucking her brows. Finally, Klaus came to Bonnie. He clapped his hands in the air in a commanding fashion. "We need wax in here, stat! We've got a mustache that would put Tom Selleck out of business!" Bonnie looked terrified and began slathering wax on her upper lip with reckless abandon.

Stefan stepped forward now that Klaus had finished crushing whatever self-esteem the girls had retained. He was ready to offer the world's shittiest advice. Everyone would pretend to know what he was talking about, but when he left, they'd just discuss how he let himself go and what drugs he was currently on.

"See," said Stefan, slurring as he winked openly at Caroline, who had pulled down her top to reveal a tantalizing amount of cleavage, "a broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to be yourself, or at least within the confines."

Caroline got starry-eyed and batted her doubly fake eyelashes at Stefan. "That was enlightening, not to mention beautifully poetic."

Stefan licked his lips as his eyes slid from Caroline's face to her voluptuous breasts. Shaking his head slightly as if to clear it, Stefan tore his eyes away from Caroline and stepped back to let Damon have his turn.

"I'm sure this 'means so much' to you and you've been 'waiting your whole life for this moment', but I assure you, and I say this so you don't become as egotistical as some," Damon muttered, eyeing Stefan with irritation, "there are others out there much more special than you, so don't let a small town beauty pageant go to your head."

The girls were uncertain as to how to reply, so they simply nodded, thrown off their games momentarily.

"Ladies!" Klaus trilled again, regaining their attention with his flamboyant hand gestures. "The show starts in an hour, in front of the entire town, so chop-chop! I expect nothing but the best! Oh, and, Bex, you're still shiny." With that, the judges exited the dressing room.

Rebekah cried out dramatically and grabbed a handful of powder and slapped it onto her face. Caroline let out something that could only be described as a scream-laugh when Rebekah's hands came down from her face, revealing a ghostly white complexion.

"Would you like some face with that powder?" Elena asked, her tone laced with poison.

This elicited another shriek from Caroline, who stood, completely ready now that her zit was vanquished. She walked out of the room, leaving the other girls to either question her absence or relish in it.

"You took my makeup, too!" cried Elena.

"You've got enough product on your face that you could get a job at a circus. Do yourself a favor and quit while you're ahead," Bonnie laughed as she made to rip the wax-covered strip from her upper lip. Elena watched in complete satisfaction as the strip refused to come off.

"What the hell did you do?" screamed Bonnie.

"Did I forget to tell you, Bon-Bon? That's glue for my nails," Elena said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Bonnie snarled as she tore the strip from her lip. Her eyes filled with tears from the pain, and she was horrified to see bits of the paper still stuck to her skin.

Elena went back to plucking her eyebrows, pleased to the high heavens with herself.

* * *

><p>"Fuck, Stefan!" panted Caroline as she rode him into next year, the sound of their skin slapping together filling the room. "You're so good!"<p>

"Shit," Stefan growled, feeling his impending release. Damn, this girl was good in the sack. With nothing but a moan to warn Caroline, Stefan blew his load inside her. She came right after him, collapsing on to his chest. She slid off him, heading toward the door.

"I've got your vote?" she confirmed before leaving the room. Satisfied with the hazy nod she gained, she headed back to the dressing room to put on her first outfit.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2: Round 1_

"Could this get any cheesier?" sighed Rebekah in exasperation. For the first time in the entire course of the competition, the girls agreed on something. Klaus was riling up the crowd while Jimmy James's "Fashionista" blared over the loudspeakers.

_"__Everybody line up! The show is about to start! Places! The show is about to start! You have to show a look, have a look, or give a look. Faces! Beautiful! No one ugly allowed!"_

Caroline rolled her eyes. "Lovely."

"Without further ado," Klaus announced, and the girls took their spots in line, "let me introduce to you, your finalists in the Miss Mystic Falls pageant! Bonnie Bennett!" Bonnie strutted out onto the stage in her vivid, orange cocktail dress. She hadn't managed to completely get the wax strip off, so there were noticeable white dots on her upper lip. "Next up, Miss Caroline Forbes!" Caroline tossed her wavy, blonde hair over her shoulders and put on a fierce smile. Rebekah was too hungry for vengeance to tell Caroline that the zit she'd popped earlier was oozing blood and an unsavory yellow liquid. She'd figure out soon enough. "Elena Gilbert!" Elena smiled through her anxiety. She'd plucked so much that she was now missing half of her right eyebrow. She had also attempted to draw it back in with an eyebrow pencil, but she now looked lopsided. "And last but not least, Rebekah Mikaelson!" Rebekah was the only one who looked halfway decent. She'd managed to remove most of the white powder from her face so she didn't look ghostly, but she and Caroline still wore the same dress. Rebekah had had a stroke of genius twenty minutes before the show started, and cut the dress so, instead of being floor-length, it now came just above her knees. It was bold, but it would have to do.

The girls were greeted by bright lights and a boisterous crowd. It looked as if the entire town had shown up for the festivities, and the girls were already numb from the fake smiles they had plastered on each of their faces. Klaus eyed them all suspiciously, seeing their makeup and fashion faux pas. He readjusted the smile on his face and turned back to the crowd.

"You can all see the _lovely _ladies standing next to me, and I'm sure they're all ready for the first round of the competition! After this round, one of them will be eliminated, and so on until we come to our winner! Myself and the two other judges, Damon and Stefan, will decide who will be crowned Miss Mystic Falls.

"The first round of competition is the talent portion! Each of these lovely ladies will showcase their own, specific talents for us, three of which will be successful in their endeavors, one of which will be eliminated. Are you all ready?" Klaus addressed the crowd, who cheered uproariously. "And how about our lovely contestants?" he asked, turning two the four girls. They nodded, cheesy smiles still in place.

"First up is Miss Bonnie Bennett!" He shuffled the three other girls offstage and came back to stand next to Bonnie at center stage. "Good evening, Miss Bennett," Klaus said with a smile, amused by the white bits of paper on Bonnie's lip.

"Good evening, Klaus," Bonnie chirped.

"Why don't you tell the audience what talent of yours you'll be showcasing?"

Bonnie smiled, steeling herself as she looked out among the large crowd. "I'm singing and dancing to Kat Graham's "Put Your Graffiti On Me".

"Ooh!" exclaimed Klaus. "One of my favorites! Good luck, Miss Bennett!" Klaus hurried to the judges' panel to the right of the stage.

The music began and the crowd let out a gasp in unison as Bonnie tore off her dress, revealing a barely-there, lime green tube top and neon orange short shorts. Four dancers came out on stage wearing similar clothing, two flanking her on either side, and once tossed her a microphone. As they all began breakdancing, Bonnie started singing into the mic.

_"__Denim jean jacket, pink Chucks, and a mini skirt! Be your bad habit, throw me up against the wall first! I'll take advantage of you, you'll take advantage of me!"_

Backstage, the three other contestants were watching the monitor, their mouths hanging open.

"What . . . the . . . fuck?" said Caroline, the first to recover from the shock of seeing timid little Bonnie turn into a half-naked breakdancer.

"I had no idea she sang or danced," muttered Elena, her eyes wide.

"She sounds like shit," laughed Rebekah, sitting at her vanity, legs crossed in utter relaxation as she watched Bonnie's performance.

"Oh, shut up," hissed Elena. "Can't wait to see your talent."

"Bet you can't," said Rebekah sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she dismissed Elena.

As Bonnie's performance wrapped up, the crowd was unsure of whether they should clap or just remain still, shocked.

_"__Tag me!"_

Bonnie's backup dancers left the stage and Damon was the first judge to speak.

"Miss Bennett," he began in a voice of deadly calm, "are you familiar with AutoTune?"

"I am," she said breathlessly and cheerfully.

"Normally, I cannot condone using such a program, but for someone as talentless as you, it might be helpful."

Bonnie's eyes widened and her lip quivered, but she remained strong. Stefan spoke up next.

"Dancing is a dangerous sport and sometimes it's best when one forgets to fold the laundry."

"Th – thank you . . ."

Klaus eyed Stefan in amusement. "That was . . . enlightening. I think it's best if you stick to dancing, rather than singing, Miss Bennett. It was quite interesting when you put your leg behind your head."

"Thank you," Bonnie said, handing Klaus the mic as she went offstage. Klaus came back to the middle of the stage.

"Next up, we'll have Miss Caroline Forbes!" Caroline came onstage as Bonnie came back into the dressing room, eliciting a scoff from Rebekah.

"How are you this fine evening, Miss Forbes?" Klaus asked, holding the microphone to Caroline's mouth.

"Oh, very well, thank you, Klaus," Caroline said with an endearing smile.

"And what talent will you be showcasing tonight?"

"I'll be singing "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles."

"Sounds delightful," smiled Klaus, leaving the mic with Caroline and returning to his seat.

A lone guitar began to play and Caroline started singing.

_"__Close your eyes, give me your hand, darlin'. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame?"_

Elena, Bonnie, and Rebekah watched in admiration as Caroline charmed the crowd with her voice. She put the perfect amount of emotion into the song without even trying.

"She's good," said Rebekah, sounding thoroughly shocked.

"She's amazing," said Elena, sitting back down in shock.

"Wow," breathed Bonnie.

When Caroline's song had finished, the crowd erupted into applause, giving Caroline a standing ovation. She smiled widely, genuinely, and thanked them.

"That was beautiful, Caroline," said Klaus truthfully. "Well done."

"A welcome surprise after the last performance," muttered Damon, giving Caroline a hint of a smile.

"The Bangles are the best tigers ever," slurred Stefan. "I loved your fourth performance!" he nearly shrieked, bashing his hands on the judges' table.

"Thank you, judges!" beamed Caroline, heading backstage.

"Next up, we have Elena Gilbert!"

Elena came out holding a small, black notebook.

"What do we have the delight of seeing from you, Miss Gilbert?" Klaus asked interestedly.

"I'll be reading a poem I wrote for my boyfriend," answered Elena, blushing slightly.

Klaus smiled at her and scratched his own eyebrow while staring at Elena's. Elena gave him a glare, then smiled out at the crowd as Klaus sat.

"Boom!" Elena cried into the microphone, feedback sounding over the speakers, making the crowd cringe. "My heart exploded when I saw you. You are my world. I love you." There was complete silence until everyone realized the poem was finished.

In the dressing room, Rebekah was positively rolling on the floor laughing, Bonnie was snickering lightly into her hand, and Caroline was guffawing – completely unladylike, but necessary.

"Short! _Short! Too short!" _Stefan barked.

"Oh," murmured Elena, taken aback by Stefan's shouts.

"Emily Dickinson just turned over in her grave. A disgrace to poetry," hissed Damon, refusing to look at Elena.

"It left a little to be desired, I'm afraid," Klaus said apologetically.

"Thank you," said Elena, crestfallen, as she hurried to the dressing room.

"Please welcome our final competitor, Rebekah Mikaelson!" Klaus announced as Rebekah strutted out onto the stage. "What will you be doing for us tonight, Rebekah?"

"I'll be playing Beethoven's "Für Elise" on piano," Rebekah said proudly as a stagehand rolled a baby grand piano out onto the stage. Rebekah walked over to the seat, thanked the boy, and positioned her hands on the keys. She waited until it was completely silent to begin playing.

Caroline begrudgingly hummed along to Rebekah's playing. She hated to admit it, but this was her favorite piece of classical music.

When Rebekah finished, the crowd stood on their feet for a second time, clapping ferociously.

"Splendid!" Klaus proclaimed, standing as well.

"Very well done, Rebekah," Damon praised.

"Window is a music to the soul," Stefan said simply, winking at Rebekah.

"Uh-huh . . .," Rebekah said, barely holding back a laugh. "Thank you!"

"That does it for round one! While we deliberate, please watch this slideshow of Miss Mystic hopefuls that did not make it to the finals."

The slideshow showcased twenty-one girls that weren't lucky enough to make it, set to "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter.

Caroline chuckled. "Their music choices aren't very subtle."

**A/N: **I quite like the drunk, Steven Tyler version of Stefan. Quite delightful. And I couldn't resist having Bonnie sing that. Shoot me. I'm insane.


End file.
